Can't Breathe When I'm Broken
by XMemeto.MoriX
Summary: Ponyboy missed Johnny. So much that he was determined to see him again; no matter what. Ponyboy X Johnny Yaoi. Check it out!
1. Broken

**A/N: Hi there anyone who stumbles across this fanfic. I have to admit it right now. I LOVE this pairing; it's like one of my top favorite couples. This is the first time I actually wrote a yaoi fanfic, so I'm sorry if it sucks. But I still hope you like it. ^^**

Warning: slash or yaoi (whatever you want to call it) and cutting. Don't like? Then don't read it, simple as that.

Pairing: JohnnyXPonyboy

Disclaimer: I don't own The Outsiders. If I did then why would I be writing a fanfic for it? I also don't own the song lyrics. I only own the plot of this.  


**Can't Breathe when ****I'm Broken**  
By: girl-next-door13

...................  
...........

_You take the breath right out of me  
You left a hole where my heart should be....._

Ponyboy missed Johnny. Missed him so much it hurt. When he passes by the lot where they would hang out, creating so many memories, his heart breaks. Memories that Pony wished they never had. They caused him pain and misery as he thought of his best friend who was someone more as well. They loved each other.

Ponyboy blames himself for Johnny's as well as Dally's death. Maybe if he didn't want to run away they could still be alive. Just maybe. Who knows? There were many ways that this could have been avoided.

He wanted to hug his best friend one more, kiss his soft lips, and see into his innocent eyes again. Ponyboy still remembered the day they confessed to each other as if it was yesterday.

**xX-Flashback-Xx**

It was a few months before the incident with the socs. Ponyboy was on his way home after school when he saw Johnny sitting in the lot where they hung out, his full attention on the black pavement.

"Hey, Johnny.", Ponyboy called when he started to get closer, making him look up to him with wide eyes. He had expected him to run away since Johnny has been avoiding him. He has been avoiding him for a few days now. Pony was worried he did something to make his best friend avoid him like a plague. Instead of running, Johnny quickly looked back to the road, trying to look like he didn't hear Ponyboy. He grinned as he sat down next to Johnny, dropping his backpack on the ground. The two friends sat in silence, awkwardness hung heavy between them. The sound of an occasional car passing by was the only sound. Ponyboy knew something was wrong and it started to worry him. The silence was getting too much, so he decided to say something.

"Johnny, is something wrong?". Pony finally asked. Johnny looked up from the road again and into stared into Ponyboy's eyes. He felt his cheeks got red as he stared into his chocolate puppy dog eyes. Johnny looked he was contemplating whether or not to tell Pony what'd on his mind, so he continued.

"You know you can tell me anything, right?", he said, leaning back on his hands. It was true; they told each other almost everything. Ponyboy knew he could trust him, maybe even more than Sodapop. Johnny mumbled something under his breath that he couldn't make out.

"Huh?", he asked, tilting his head to the side. Johnny let out a sigh and stood up, slightly kicking the dirt under his feet.

"You wouldn't understand.", Johnny whispered, staring down at his shuffling feet.

"Try me.", Ponyboy smirked, standing up as well and crossed his arms, "It can't be that bad." All he heard was the same mumbling as before making Ponyboy a little annoyed.

"Just come out with already!", his voice rising a bit. For a split second, Ponyboy felt a slight pressure on his lips. His eyes widened when he realized what happened. _Johnny had just kissed him_. He felt his cheeks get hot as he just stared blankly at his friend in front of him. Pony couldn't tell if Johnny wasn't blushing from his tan skin, but his innocent eyes gave away his nervousness. As if it was an impulse, he leaned into another kiss, this time making it longer. Ponyboy heard a small moan coming from Johnny before he felt the boy's tongue on the bottom of his lip, asking from passage. He was more than willingly opened his mouth, their tongue roaming each other's mouth. The kiss was sloppy and weird as all first kiss were, but they loved it. They finally pulled way when reality hit them, making them remember they were in the lot. The two looked at each other and knew they were thinking the same thing:

_'Wow...'_

**xX-Flashback ends-Xx**

Ponyboy smiled at the memory, but then soon fell a lump in his throat, making him stop. He shook his head and kept walking down the street to go home, passing the lot. He wanted to look up, but he couldn't. If he saw where Johnny and he would hang out a lot, he would start crying..._again_.

They obviously started to go out with each other, being careful not to get caught. Their relationship was not, according to people, "acceptable by the public". They weren't sure who they could trust to tell and not be judged, so Johnny and Ponyboy decided it to be their little secret. The two were great at keeping it; no one suspected anything; just how they liked it.

**xX-Flashback-Xx**

Ponyboy and Johnny were sitting on Pony's bed. Johnny's arm was wrapped around his lover's shoulder, who was studying his English textbook. They were the only one home at the moment, so they didn't have to worry about someone walking in on them. Pony was reading about cause and effect in stories. Johnny was reading about it as well, just for the sake of looking at something. If he didn't, he would have stared at Ponyboy instead, probably causing discomfort in the younger boy.

Soon Johnny felt a gaze on himself, causing him to look up. His lips were then met with Pony's, a small sound of surprise escaping his mouth, but making no move to pull away. Johnny even deepened the kiss by licking Ponyboy's bottom lip, causing him to open his mouth and started to explore each other's mouth. He then heard a noise sounding like a book was being shut quickly, knowing that Pony didn't feel like studying right now. Ponyboy placed the book next to him as Johnny pushed him slightly to lie down, straddling his hips. Johnny pulled away, making his way down to his neck and started to suck and nibble. He didn't suck too hard because he didn't want to leave a mark. They didn't want anyone to suspect anything. He then felt a hand go and up and down his chest, feeling every scar and bruise that his bastard of a father made on him. Ponyboy broke the kiss for a second to remove Johnny's shirt, exposing his chest. He blushed when he noticed Pony's expression. It was as if he was awe strucked by it.

"What?", Johnny asked, a little embarrassed.

"You're beautiful.", Ponyboy answered, before sitting up and continued to kiss him again. They haven't gone this far yet; the farthest they went has been just making out. Johnny's face felt getting hot after hearing those words. _No one_ has ever said anything like that to him, so he didn't really know how to react to it. Soon he didn't find it fair that Ponyboy was still fully clothed, so he started to pull his shirt off of him and threw it wherever. Pony felt his pant's button being undone, so he looked down and saw Johnny's hand on his button. They looked into each other's eyes, wondering if it was ok to continue. Unable to find his voice, Pony just nodded his head.

Then things started to go into blurs. Pants were taken off, followed by their boxers. The whole experience was beautiful; tongues danced with each other, hands groping places, and, well you get the picture of what happens after. After everything was said, no wait _moaned_, and done, Johnny and Ponyboy rested in each other's arms, breathing heavily and smiling to themselves. Pony's head was laying his head on his lover's chest, drawing invisible circles on his stomach.

"I love you.", Johnny said smiling, looking at Pony.

"I love you, too.", he said with a happy sigh. That was one week before the incident with the socs. One week before their world would start crashing down.

**xX-Flashback ends-Xx**

Ponyboy was now just a block away from his house, but tears were prickling in his eyes.

'_Stupid memories.'_, he thought to himself, adjusting his backpack straps on his shoulders He rubbed the tears away that were about to come out. He winced in pain suddenly remembering the cuts on his arms from last night. He found it weird that his brothers' didn't question his for wearing long sleeve shirts or jackets all the time. He found out he was good at lying and acting. Ponyboy wanted to see Johnny one more time and he'll do it no matter what, his mind then went to the razorblade that he hid in the bathroom.

He wants to see him again, even if it was just for a second.

-------------------

_Because I'm broken when I'm open  
And I feel like I am not strong enough.  
Because I'm broken when I'm lonesome  
And I don't feel right when you're gone away........_

**A/N: Well if you made it this far, I didn't kill your mind with my writing. : D Accomplishment! I hope you liked it! This was supposed to be a one shot, but I changed my mind and might add one or two more chapters. I seriously didn't know whether to put it in T or M, so let me know if it's in the wrong place ^^; .Please review since they help me decide whether or not to update it. So press the green button below and tell me what you think! ^^ **

**Song lyrics used for the chapter:**

**Breath ~ Breaking Benjamin**

**Broken ~ Seether ft. Amy Lee **


	2. Dear Agony, Be my Tourniquet

**A/N: Wow! Thanks so much for the reviews and the favs! Here's the second chapter. ^^ Enjoy! Sorry that this took awhile to update. I was busy with homework and other stuff. Also I tried to make this longer and more presentable.**

**Warning: Yaoi or slash, cutting, attempted suicide.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own The Outsiders, S.E. Hinton does. I also don't own the song lyrics used in this. I'm just one of the many that write fanfiction, so I just own the plot.**

**Can't Breath When I'm Broken  
**Chapter 2 - Dear Agony  
By: girl-next-door13

...................

.............

_Dear agony,  
__Just let go of me  
__Suffer slowly.  
__Is this the way it's gotta be?  
__Don't bury me  
__Face this enemy  
__I'm so sorry  
__Is this the way it's gotta be?  
__Dear agony........._

Ponyboy did try to move on; trying to take a grip of reality again, but couldn't. He dated a little; in an attempt to forget Johnny. He really did try, but none of the girls he was in a relationship with felt right like it did with him. So he stopped dating, deciding it was too soon to be out there.

He was good at keeping a facade. Ponyboy had to act normal to blend in and not let his secrets know. Secrets that will probably get him killed or shunned by many.

Ponyboy walked through the front door and dropped his backpack in his bedroom. The house was quiet, since it was just him at the moment. He grabbed a quick drink of chocolate milk before making his way to his bedroom where he hid his trusty razorblade. Pony hid it in the pages of a book that he kept out of view. He opened it and grabbed the blade before heading to the bathroom. He sat on the floor, his back leaning on the bathtub before pulling his sleeve up to reveal cuts and scars. They varied from old as a month to as new from last night.

It's the same routine every time. Make a few marks until someone gets home. Then clean up the evidence and go out there and act as if everything's completely normal. But this was different. Pony positioned the blade near a vein in his wrist, but his hand wouldn't continue. He then moved the blade as far away from the vein and cut a single long red line, repeatedly calling himself a coward.

This was what he considered his punishment for not protecting Johnny. For not being able to keep his promise.

**xX-Flashback-Xx**

Ponyboy was reading a book in his room, trying to kill time. Bored out of his mind, he shut the book and stared at the wall. This is the fourth or fifth time reading that book that he almost can quote it word for word.

He was alone at home while everyone else was doing something. Sodapop and Steve were working at the DX today, Dally was in jail and was going to be released in a week or so, and Darry was working as usual. He had no idea where Two-Bit and Johnny were, so he decided to go out and look for them; maybe see if they want to watch a movie or something. Pony got off his bed and quickly put on a jacket and his shoes before heading out the door. He dug his hands into his jacket pocket, his fingers playing with the lint that was in there. He decided to stop by the lot to see if Johnny was there, which is a big a possibility. Just as he expected, there was Johnny sitting on the abandon car chair, but he was curdled up, his head buried into his knees. Pony ran to him to see what was wrong.

"Johnny?", he asked as he sat down next to him. Johnny looked up when he heard his name being called, his black eyes widened. They went back to their normal size when he realized who it was. Pony stiffened a little when he saw his face. It had a few cuts here and there and a bruise was forming on his cheek. Johnny's lip was bleeding a little bit and his eyes were red and tears were still coming out despite of himself.

"Oh, Pony. It's just you.", Johnny whispered, rubbing his eyes to make the tears stop, ignoring the pain.

"Johnny, what happened?", he asked, wiping the blood off his boyfriend's face with his sleeve carefully. He winced, but didn't make any movement to move away.

"H-he came home early and was dr-drunk.", he sniffed. Pony knew who 'he' was and felt stupid asking that question. It was usually his parents. He couldn't understand how someone can hurt little Johnny. He seemed too innocent and fragile for anyone to hit him. Anger started to build in him just thinking about it. But he pushed those feelings away, knowing he had to clean Johnny's cuts before they get infected. Pony helped him stand up; putting his arm around his waist while Johnny wrapped one arm around his shoulder.

"Why didn't you come over sooner?", Pony asked as they walked home.

"I didn't want to come crying and all.", Johnny whispered, limping a little bit. They shortly arrived back at the house. Ponyboy placed him on the couch as he went to the bathroom to get the small first aid kit and went back to the living room. He opened it and took out cotton swab and dabbed it with a little bit of alcohol to disinfect the cuts on his face. As he was almost finishing cleaning it up, he noticed a rust-color spot on Johnny's jacket sleeve. Pony pulled up his sleeve to reveal bits of pieces of glass in his arm.

"Johnny, why didn't you tell me about this?", he asked, staring at the glass.

"I was going to tell you when you were done.", Johnny answered, his voice was a little uncertain. Pony decided to leave it at that, not wanting to argue with him, and searched for tweezers in the kit to take the glass out. He soon found them and started to carefully pluck the glass out. The only thing heard during it was Johnny's short breathes when a piece was pulled out, trying not to scream. When it was all over, the wounds were cleaned up and his arm was wrapped in a white bandage.

"I feel bad about this.", Ponyboy said, holding Johnny's hand in his own.

"Why? You didn't do anything.", he asked, stared bewildered at him.

"That's the thing. I hate seeing you like this, all hurt and in pain. And I can do nothin' about it."

"That's ok. I can protect myself.", Johnny said, placing his head on Pony's shoulder, "Don't be worried."

"Yeah. I just don't wanna lose you, that's all.", he said with a sigh. He sat up straight and looked in his eyes, "Johnny, I promise I'll protect, no matter what. I promise."

"You don't ha-", he started but was cut off when he felt a pair of lips on his own.

"I know, I want to.", Pony said when he pulled away.

"Okay, Ponyboy, I trust you." And then they sealed it with a kiss.

**xX-Flashback ends-Xx**

Ponyboy was washing the blood off his arm when he heard the door being opened. He placed the blade carefully in his pocket before walking out the bathroom to see Sodapop, who was taking off his shoes, and Darry, who looked more tired than usual. He had bags under his eyes and looked like he was going to collapsed from exhaustion. Darry went straight to his room, closing the door behind him.

"He's really tired tonight. Almost fell asleep drivin' home.", Soda explained.

"I wish he wouldn't work so hard.", Pony muttered, still looking at Darry's door.

"Me, too. What do you want for dinner?", he asked, giving his brother a noogie to get his mind off his older brother. It seemed to have worked because Pony was laughing along with him and tried to be let go.

"I'm not really hungry. I had a big lunch.", he answered when he was released from his grip.

" 'Kay then. I'll just make myself a sandwich before coming to bed.", Soda said, making his way to the kitchen while Pony headed toward their bedroom.

"Okay.", he called back before shutting the door.

Ponyboy was working, well at least was trying to work, on his homework for math. He stared at the page of equations for fifteen minutes before Sodapop walked in, changed into a pair of sweatpants, and plopped down on the bed. Ponyboy kept staring at his paper, not acknowledging his brother. Soda studied the boy carefully, trying to figure out what was wrong without having to question him. Darry and him have noticed something wrong with Pony at times and it made them worry something awful. When they try to approach the subject, he would just shrug it off, telling them everything is ok. They can only buy it for so long. Pony looked up from his homework when he felt a pair of eyes boring into him.

"Oh, hey Sodapop. Didn't hear you come in.", Pony forced a smile.

"Is something bothering ya?", Soda asked.

"No, why?", he replied with a question, shaking his head.

He shrugged, "It's just that you've been actin' different, that's all."

"Well, I'm fine. Trust me.", Pony smiled to reassure him.

"Okay. If there's somethin' bothing you just tell me.", Soda said slowly, not very convinced, and was answered with a nod.

Pony seemed to notice this and decided to added, "Really, everything's fine."

"Ok, I trust you." He was a little hurt that his little brother was probably hiding something from him. Soda didn't want to push him or force him to tell him something he didn't want him to know. If he wants to tell him, he will. But that didn't help his anxiety about it. "Go to bed soon. It's late already."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah.", he said, putting his homework away. Sodapop soon felt the mattress sink a bit as Pony got in to bed next to him. He wrapped his arm around his little brother protectively; getting a gut feeling this might be their last night together like this. He soon fell asleep when he noticed Pony's breathing was even.

**---Next Day---**

Ponyboy stood in front of a brown door that was marked with the words "_Guidance Counselor_" on it. He's been standing there for a minute or two, contemplating whether or not to go in. The light was on inside, so the counselor was in there. Deep down, he hoped she wasn't waiting for him to come in. This is not the first time Pony has thought to seek help for his depression. This is probably the third or fourth.

'Maybe I should go in this time.', he thought to himself, reaching for the door knob. But something made him stop. If he did this, then they would call Darry and Soda causing more problems. Not to mention adding unwanted stress on Darry's life. Pony started to go back down the hall when he bumped into someone.

"Oh, Ponyboy.", Ms. Redwood, the school's guidance counselor, said, sounding as if she just got out of a daze, "Is there something I can help you with." She smiled at him, fixing her jacket a bit.

"Oh, no. I'm fine.", he said, about to walk away, "Thanks anyway."

"Oh, ok then. If you need anything, just come by.", she called after him. He needed to face this, not give in to his suicidal thoughts. Even if they were so tempting. Ponyboy walked to the front of the school to see if Two-Bit was still waiting, if not then he was walking home. Luckily, he still was there, talking with Marcia.

"Hey Two-Bit!", Pony called as he approached them, "Hey, Marcia."

"Hey, Ponyboy.", he replied, "Where you've been?"

"Just had to get some stuff from my locker.", he lied smoothly.

"Okay then, come on. I got to drop Marcia off as well.", Two-Bit said, getting into the driver's seat. Ponyboy got into the back seat, so Marcia can ride in the front. It was a short drive to the Curtis's house from the school. Once he stopped the car, Pony got out and said his good-bye to both of them.

"Take care, kid.", Two-Bit smiled causing him to smile back at him.

"Yeah."

He watched Two-Bit drive down the street before going inside. He wasn't going to do it today, in an attempt to get over his addiction, but the razor blade was calling him until he couldn't help but answer it.

------

Ponyboy pressed the razorblade against his left arm, a ribbon of blood appearing in the blade's wake. The pain surged up his arm and welcomed it with opened arms. Pain helped Ponyboy not think, helped distract his mind from thinking of...him.

_Johnny._

Tears prickled in his eyes, letting them fall freely when they escaped. He couldn't believe this is what he needed to do to get relief. He felt weak and sick about himself; not to mention disappointing This is usually when Pony would have stopped, but something in him kept telling him to keep cutting. That part of him took over, more blood was oozing out and some of it was dripping to the bathroom floor. Soon it making him feel light headed. He then heard the front door being opened then closed, realizing that must be Darry and Sodapop. Pony couldn't stop; he has gone too far. He quickly locked the bathroom door; Pony didn't want his brothers to see him like this, probably close to death. He let out a sharp cry of pain when he couldn't hold it back anymore.

"Ponyboy? Are you alright in there?" It was Sodapop's voice.

Ponyboy stopped, placing the blade on the floor next to him, staring blankly at the door in front of him.

"Hey, Pony, what's going on in there?", Darry had continued when he heard nothing but silence, this time knocking hard on the door. Ponyboy heard a noise that sounded the doorknob trying to open.

"Ponyboy! Open this door!", his brothers demanded, trying to break down the door. His eye lids started to get heavier and so did his breathing. Getting closer to death, getting closer to Johnny. A smile creped his way on his lips.

_Success._

'I wonder if this is how he felt before he died.', Pony thought to himself, tilting his head back to look at the ceiling; relaxing his body.

The last thing he heard was the door being kicked opened and his name being called out before blacking out.

_My wounds cry for the grave  
__My soul cries for deliverance  
__Will I be denied?  
__Chris - tourniquet  
__My suicide….._

**A/N: No, this is not the end.... it could be if you wanted it to. There is going to be one or two more chapters if he lives, so yeah. Hoped you like this chapter! Read and review please! ^^**  
**Dear Agony ~ Breaking Benjamin  
****Tourniquet ~ Evanescence**

Songs used for this chapter:


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